I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
