I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm getting married
To pizza
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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