Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
