hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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