Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
