I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
