I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
