i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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