I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
