I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
