If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
