Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
