getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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