i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it's like iHOP with fire
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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