My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
