just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
