If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
