I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
