I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
