if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
