Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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