theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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