So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
