I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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