GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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