He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
