just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
