I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
