All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
