walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Man, jail baloney is awful.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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