We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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