I must be too annoying 4 u.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
