I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
