GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
