Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
