I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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