the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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