Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
