So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
