he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
