i just identified you from a description of your pipe
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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