I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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