apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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