She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
