tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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