So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
