I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
