I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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