Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
