He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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