At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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