i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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