So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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